A Dadaist Cupcake

...when people rub cheeto dust on their nose?

.........

...........


...............


Yeah. Me neighter.

I'm going to create an album that comes on 7 discs

You put one disc in one stereo per continent on Earth

Then you blast off into space

And as the Earth rotates....

(But of course you'd have to float rather close to the Earth)

That ruled.

Chinese Foooood. May I help you?
Yeah. I'd like to place an order.
What would you like?
Yeah, I'd like three orders of garlic chicken.
And then?
And then three orders of white rice.
And then?
And then..., you guys want soup?
Sure.
Yeah, Three orders of wantan soup.
And then?
Oh, ah, some fortune cookies too.
And then?
That's it. I think that's about it.
And then?
No. That's it.
And then?
No 'and then'. I..., I..., that's all I want.
And then?
And then, and then, and then I'm, then nothing else coz I'm done ordering. OK?
And then?
No. No. See, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice
And then?
And the soup dude.
Oh, and the wantan soup.
And then?
And the cookies fortune.
And the fortune cookies, yes. So it's just the, it's the, the chicken...
the rice, the soup and the fortune cookies and that's it.
And then?
And then you can put it in a brown paper bag and come put in my hand coz I'm ready to eat.
And then?
I refuse to play your chinese food mind games.
And then?
No, No 'and then'!
And then?
No 'and then'!
And then?
No 'and then'!
And then?
No 'and then'!
And then?
No 'and then'!
And then?
No, no 'and then'!
And then?
You're really starting to piss me off lady!
And then?
And then, I'm gonna come in there...
...and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass if you say 'and then' again!
And then? And then? And then? And then? And then?
And then?
Come on Nelson! Just help us find my car!

Nothing in the world makes any sense aside from movies.

Why does A Serious Man see so clearly but we do not?

Is it because God should have put eyes on our hands instead?

ZEEZ

Audy...it's not what it looks like.

AUDY

What do you want for dinner?

ZEEZ

O, who am I kidding? Of course this is. I've been cheating on you...with other women...over and over and over again. Oh my God...Oh my God...

Zeez collapses into his hands, crying.

ZEEZ

I...I am so sorry, Audy. I am so sorry. I am not a better man. I am a bad man. I am a horrible human being...

Audy is silent. She regards Zeez.

ZEEZ

Can you forgive me? Of course you'll never forgive me! Who could forgive a wretch like me?

Zeez wipes away tears.

ZEEZ

I am so sorry! I am so sorry! I have destroyed this relationship! I have sullied! I have soiled! I have stained!

(Beat.)

This relationship is over. I have killed it.

Zeez takes something off of his finger and gives it to Audy.

ZEEZ

There's your ring back. I just hope that...

AUDY

But we're not married...?

zeez (cont.)

...whoever you become involved with next respects you in the ways I never did.

Zeez collapses onto the ground, in tears, in front of Audy's feet. Audy stares blankly.

Sh’ma Y’Israel
Adonai Eloheinu
Adonai Echad…
    The turd-gid solid crystal of twelve-year-old anal waste stared at me deep; at the tail beginning of a new millennium where a decade’s tethers of irony and disassociation were to be strengthened by the roots of a Bush and the raising flag of adulthood loomed over my head. It did not help that said flag was tethered to my tiny cocktail carrot penis, hard at work whipping up fresh batches of semen to mock me throughout my next five to ten. But the bodily fluid on my mind at the moment was clearly the tiny bit of brown feces being wielded by the hands of my best friend Maus. Maus had gotten up to use the restroom and came back with a new dark-skinned friend. Perhaps tipsy off the party wine, perhaps tipsy off his first dance with a girl, or perhaps expressing a deeper set of issues, this husky bubble of a kid somehow felt the need to not only excavate the remains of his bowels with the only tools the cavemen had, but to also waltz around the room with it while dreamily humming a Disney Prince song of his own invention. My thirteen-year-old brain may still have been developing and may not have known much, but it certainly knew that you could not make your own dance partner. Perhaps Maus agreed. “Wanna dance?”
    Why my own Bar Mitzvah had sailed into these dark waters was not entirely a mystery. Maus was my best friend from third grade. We bonded over sunniness. He was happy. I was happy. Let’s be friends. It was that simple. He liked movies. I liked movies. Let’s be friends. But there was one element that put him a notch above in my mind: He had seen PG-13-rated movies. Sometimes even R-rated ones. Really? “Oh yeah.” It was a new dimension, one where the streets were paved with bad language and the skies rained down with boobs. Such a thing would have sent my own parents into a tizzy and to hear him recount those tales of those foreign images was like being the presence of a warrior home from the battles of the centuries. Could I borrow your head?
    But such privileges came with a price and Maus was easily the first friend I had ever made to have come from a broken home. Living with a mother frustrated with a deadbeat ex, his home was different from the one I came from. My parents hid their arguments under the bed and presented a face to me, their son, of utter happy-shine. To see a single mother raising a child all on her own was a bit of a shock to my small brain. There did exist a world outside of myself.
    Still, the problems at home did not impede on our friendship and we spent so many childhood afternoons watching television, drawing comics, and making movies. In that time frame, it was the high life and I thought everyone in the world was lucky enough to have a friend this best. This very best.
    And then the unthinkable happened. New job. New prospects. New school. New state. It all happened so fast. So casual. I replayed the episode of Doug in my head where Doug’s best friend, Skeeter, moved away to comfort my wounded heart. Should I chase after his car with a plastic fork, promising to slash the tires so he could stay and hang out with me further? Or was it a necessity that had to happen, for the cracks had begun to harden.
    He moved at the top of the year 2000. My thirteenth circuit ‘round the sun. In just a matter of months, I will be a man. The culmination of my studies at Hebrew school. One chant from the Torah and my balls would drop, or so the rabbis told me. In the August of that year, I was to be Bar Mitzvahed.
    Yet the Bar Mitzvah was to signify more than my entry into adulthood. It was to also signify the first meeting with Maus since that sad January parting. He may only be coming for a weekend but what a weekend it was going to be! My parents agreed to rent the two of us our own room in the hotel that was to serve as the site of the event. My mind razzled. Movies, magic, fun, song, dance. Think of all I could possibly pack into those two days! And just like that, August became the holy land of 2000s. My mind tunneled towards that 30 day cycle.
    But all the reading, all the chanting, all the Baruch Ata Adonai-ing…it all came back down to that pile of shit. Thank Adonai Maus had never heard of the term “shit-eating-grin” because perhaps his imagination would have been captured. The shit came to me at the crossing where child met adult. What was this creature? Why did it smile? What made it dance? Are you listening, God?

Hear O Ye Israel
The Lord Is Our God
The Lord Is One

And I wasn’t quite sure I liked the fact that my best friend had put said obstacle there. Was God attempting to test me? Was God turning the ones I loved against me? If one piece of shit could freak me out on what I was told was the biggest night of my life, what laid ahead? If my best friend could fling a piece of shit at me in a state of crazed reverie, what could my parents do? What could my grandparents do? What could my future lovers do? What could my kids do?
And like a spirit…
Before he could answer….
Maus was gone….

I very much wish that you would eat ME

Nah, on second thought, others taste much better

Be splerp Be splerp Be splerpity splerp

"...and it was just so ethereal but in almost a Boschian way."

"...sounded like a petulant four year old giving birth to demon babies through a torn-up inner tube, but in a good way..."


"...bestial horns scraping against the vaginal flaps..."

"...and I just think that this band has truly sounded the bell of the utter anger of the human experience, in all of its yawing, clawing distress."

In other news, zombies are koo.


 

CONNECT!

Remember that time I licked me and the saliva bubbles stayed there sucking on my eye?

My racial slurs are better than your racial slurs

That's just something you'll have to get used to

But your tongue is wetter than mine

And your teeth are whiter than mine

And your grandmother vibrates faster than mine

But I've got my knuckles

But you've got your fists

But I've got a pocketful of change

But you've got a box of quarters

But I've got a toothy tooth smile

And you've got my tongue

College. What can be said? It is quite college-y. For a place that has been closed down all summer, it does not look too bad. There are new flowers planted here and there. Flags have been put up in lieu of signs. Overall, it is looking very good. And to think, no one thought this place would be open in a year, much less the fall.

Women. What can be said? I have not talked face-to-face to a my-own-age humanoid of the femalian descent in over five months, which has given me plenty of time to reflect upon my imprint upon the opposite sex, or lack thereof. Past lovers have only led to awkwardness and ill-timed shyness. Societal gender expectations have turned out to be extremely confining. The shroud of machismo has shadowed me at every turn, constantly mocking my actions. Confidence has never come easy, nor has it been there.

"Your life and my life, they don't touch at all
And that's no way to be
You've never seemed so far"


SUMMER 2009

HIGHLIGHTS 
 - Watching The Wire finally
 - Up, Moon, Away We Go, In The Loop, Inglourious Basterds, and Funny People
 - Hanging out with old gheys
 - Nate's koo house
 - Watching films I never got a chance to see
 - Writing A RUSH OF SHAZAM
 - Finishing GINORMOUS
 - Developing WISP
 - Developing SQUIFFLE
 - Discovering that thing called music
 - Discovering the sun
 - Discovering the Discovery Channel Store
 - Going to the Alamo Drafthouse in San Antonio
 - Swimming in badly chlorinated public pool sody-water

THE LOWLIGHTS
- The multi-deaths of my dogs
- Familial estrangement
- Being a recluse
- The Pine Valleys
- Emo facials
- Twitter paranoia
- "My grandmother said..."
- Computer glue
- The disappointment of Extract
- Cici's Pizza and all the horror that brings

CONSENSUS - A calm summer. No notes of ire were particularly raised (That is, until the very end). No notes of amazement were particularly born (As they had already happened before my arrival). I am sure I have had worse summers. I am sure I will have better summers. It was simply a few months adding up to the rest of one's life.


"What's real? What's true?
I ain't turning my back on you
Where you going? Where you been?
Making wishes, watching dreams?"

...was indeed right.

Very very very right.

Rest in Peace, King of the Hill.

KNIVE-journal!

My sympathies lie with Silent Boba.

"SILENTBOBA
I know. Dude…we may be facing certain death here and…well…I have a bit of a confession to make.

TERRY
What?

SILENTBOBA
Well…

TERRY
Come on, Sil, you can say anything to me.

SILENTBOBA (Tearing up)
Well…I lied to you a few years ago. I give You’ve Got Mail ***.

TERRY
Jesus Christ…WHY?!?

SILENTBOBA
It was charming and romantic and had funny bits.

TERRY
BUT THE CINEMATOG WAS TERRIBLE! THEY AWKWARDLY MIXED THE BLUES AND THE GREENS AND THE… "

          PART ONE

int. comedy club, stage - night

Camera pans past the audience seated at small tables up to the stage. A small flip-over sign stands on the stage. It reads "JERRY JEEZ: OY! THERE'S A KLEZMER IN MY KERPLACH!"

Performing on-stage is JERRY JEEZ, middle-aged, heavyset, balding, bespectacled. Strands of curly hair flies up from his comb-over. He wears a snappy black suit.

JERRY

Oy! And then there was my mother, a woman who took baths in bowls of matzah ball soup. O, how she slaved over those bowls! Her fingers were ground down to woody nubs by the time she was fifty, with all that cooking she did with those delicate vay-bersh hands.

The audience laughs. Jerry seems pained.

JERRY

It got to the point where I had to shake her, literally shake her, and say "MA! THE PHAROAH FREED THE JEWS! YOU'RE NO SLAVE NO MORE, YA SHVENTZ!"

The audience laughs and applauds. Jerry takes a sip of water. A tear rolls down his cheek.

JERRY

Then there was my father...

int. therapist's office - day

Jerry lies down on a small couch, with his same suit on. DOCTOR HERRIMAN TRAUT sits in a chair taking notes.

jerry (cont.)

...a true boy-an. I mean, if there was anyone who wore the plotz in the family, this was the guy. A true per-schaft in every way.

INT. COMEDY CLUB, stage - NIGHT

Jerry continues his act.

JERRY

I mean, if something broke in our shtetl...

Jerry coughs.

JERRY (CONT.)

Not only would he fix it...

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY

Jerry continues his rant. Doctor Herriman Traut continues writing notes.

JERRY (CONT.)

...he'd tie a little red bendl around it and say Mazeltov! O Gawd!!!

doctor traut

I see...

Tears flow from Jerry's eyes.

JERRY

He would...(SOB)...say to my mother...(SOB)...the woman who gave me chaim...(SOB)...

Jerry breaks down. Doctor Traut passes him a tissue.

DOCTOR TRAUT

It's okay. It's okay.

Jerry blows his nose exaggeratedly.

JERRY

Thank you. He'd say to her...(SOB)...

Jerry slips into a pitch-perfect imitation of his father, while still in tears.

JERRY (CONT.)

..."HINDA, MY LIBSHAFT! YA GOTTA LAY OFF THAT HAMANTASHEN! YA BOY-EKH IS STARTIN' TA LOOK LIKE A BOWL OF KUGEL!"

Jerry breaks down again.

INT. COMEDY CLUB, stage - NIGHT

Jerry continues his act.

JERRY (CONT.)

"...LIKE A BOWL OF KUGEL!"

The audience laughs uproariously. Jerry rubs his temples.

int. comedy club, dressing room - night

Jerry cries in front of his vanity mirror. His stage make-up wipes off on his sleeves. Sitting next to him is his agent, a large black man named DUBZ. His arms are crossed. He wears dark sunglasses.

Outside there is a loud rumbling of his fans and hangers on, fighting to get into the room.

A knock on the door. In walks a tall, blonde Irish-American comedian dressed in a snappy vest and tie. This is DANNY O'BRIEN, and he speaks in the appropriate thick brogue.

danny

Mr. Jeez! Mr. Jeez! Mr. Jeez! Mr. Jeez, me name is Danny O'Brien and I'm...

dubz

Hey, my man. Mr. Jeez don't want no visitors after the show.

DANNY

...one of yer...well...biggest fans...

DUBZ

HEY, MY MAN! Did you not hear what I just said?

DANNY

...well, ye could certainly say one of yer tallest fans! Haha! I'm a comedian too! An aspiring one! And I really think that you should hear some of me material and...

Dubz stands up.

DUBZ

Do I have to call security?

DANNY

...tell me what ye think?

DUBZ

I'm callin' security. I didn't have to. But I have to now.

JERRY

Wait...Dubz...sit yer tuchis back down. It's okay.

DANNY

Oh, Mr. Jeez, ye have no idea how much...

JERRY

Do you know how much shmertslekh goes into just one PUNCHLINE OF THIS THING? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FLISHIKET I SCH-PIT OUT OF MY HEART WITH EACH SENTENCE? Every punctuation mark of my interior comical monologue that I VOMIT out onto to yuz guys is a stab at my very ne-sho-me.

(Beat.)

Bein' a comic is hard. Bein' a Jew is harder. But bein' a comical Jew...now that's meshuggenah.

Danny is not quite sure how to respond.

DANNY

Er...thank ye, Mr. Jeez.

He bows his head and walks out.

DUBZ

You really gotta come to terms with this shit, Jerry.

Jerry sucks up some snot in his nose.

JERRY

Yeah. I know.

They hug.

TO BE CONTINUED........

"Now that mine mind hath been combed, I do declare that a yarn hath been unearthed."
- Wisp

I think I figured out how to turn on my ear. The button was in the head of the temple.